The Inaugural Post
Well – I never thought that I would see the day where I voluntarily let Don’t Ask Leah go. To be honest though, when it came to the decision to move on from that brand it was an absolute no-brainer. I am not that woman anymore. Sure, she was great and fun and riddled with anxiety (which did make for some funny “I’m so glad that’s not me” pieces), but that Leah is well and truly done and dusted.
And now, here we are.
A brand new business, a flash new website (that I run through WordPress now – something that really scared me in the past), a budding child in my belly and a whole new Leah to set loose on the world.
When I found out that I was pregnant, I started to scour the internet out of pure curiousity. What is happening inside me? What advice is out there? Why am I so sweaty? The list of questions that I had was endless. As I waded through website after website of the exact same information and facts and advice, I realised that what I was actually searching for was something that I could relate to. I didn’t want to keep being reminded that soft cheese is an absolute no-no (HA! As if I would exist if I couldn’t eat soft cheese) or that I need to practice yoga and not put on too much weight and I simply mustn’t eat deli meat. Seriously, the list of exceedingly controlling “Tips For Pregnant Women” made me pretty fucking angry.
During the first trimester – when I was doing the bulk of my research – I was having a pretty rough time. I was under the illusion that even amidst the morning sickness and nausea, I was going to freaking GLOW and everyone would somehow know I was pregnant because I looked so glowy and clear and ethereal and goddess-like. None of that happened. I felt like shit. My clothes started to become uncomfortably tight, but I was nowhere big enough to wear maternity clothes. My skin went (and remains) blotchy, dry and uneven. I started crying even more than I already do. I was more tired than I thought humanly possible and the nausea was so real/relentless/cruel/awful.
Sure it is well documented across the internet that nausea and morning sickness are things, but what wasn’t shared was how it affected women day-to-day. Nowhere did I read of anyone else’s real, honest and vulnerable accounts of pregnancy. I felt alone and guilty that I had so many feelings of sadness and overwhelm so quickly into the pregnancy. I wanted someone SOMEWHERE to connect with me, hold me and say, “Yep, it can be seriously shitty sometimes.”
So – I held my damn self.
I started to document everything that I was feeling and experiencing with each new day that passed. I started to celebrate the weird and wonderful cravings that I was having. I started to find the humour in my odd behaviour, like the time I tried to heat up by wheat bag in the fridge. I made peace with how sick I felt each and every day. I learned to ride my mood swings as best as I possibly could whilst profusely apologising to Pete for said mood swings. I started to create the content that I so wish existed in the darker, harder moments of the first trimester. This process actually made me feel more connected to our Bubba, it made me more open and communicative with Pete, and it relaxed and soothed me (somewhat).
At first I thought that The (Oblivious) New Mama could just be a page on Don’t Ask Leah and that I could keep my regular blogging and writing separate from the pieces that revolved around the pregnancy. But what I have come to realise is that absolutely everything I do, think, say, eat – I am doing pregnant. It isn’t just a sub-part of who I am – right now, it IS who I am. And moving forward, I will never again be just Leah. I will be a mother. When that realisation dawned on me as I sat in my car this morning before work, I knew that I had to let Don’t Ask Leah go. I want to support women and humans through my own experiences. I want people to feel safe in their vulnerability. I want people to find solace in my words and inspiration in my mistakes.
And maybe a little bit more selfishly, I want to build an empire. I want to be able to make this blog financially viable so I can have the life that I so desire for myself. I want to be able to work from home (or from a cafe or a beach or the country or some other idyllic environment). I want to make a living and support my family through my own creativity and hustle. I want a ‘job’ that allows me to be there for our child, always. Most importantly though, I want to create. Each and every day I want to create and make and write and cook and inspire.
Don’t Ask Leah and I went through a lot together – I met some incredible women, achieved my goal of meeting Michelle Heyman (still some serious swooning that goes on there), I was able to celebrate some truly wonderful people and I created a platform for myself to be heard.
What I can see for The (Oblivious) New Mama though – well, that’s just plain exciting.