31 days until due date
I am writing this post this morning from my favourite seat at the cafe. It is right by the front window which is wide open at the moment, the sounds of the morning streaming in. From this seat, I can see every single inch of the cafe that Pete created (you’ll have to excuse the random, romantic moments I am having – I can’t control them at the moment). These last few weeks of pregnancy have me feeling all of the emotions, and I mean all of them. Last night I burst into tears while watching Californication (and, speaking of Californication, I actually have more to say about that show but I might save that for tomorrow when my brain is less fuzzy and the sweat patches under my arms have receded), for no reason at all. Pete said softly and kindly, “Don’t be sad my love,” but I wasn’t sad, I just have no idea what to do with everything that I am feeling.
In bed last night as I wrestled between consciousness and sleep, our little man dropped even further, pressing down even heavier on my cervix. I breathed a deep breath with each movement that he made and felt every single millimetre that he moved. The last few nights have been close to torture when it comes time to sleep. I made peace a long time ago with the fact that my sleeping is not going to be great or consistent or even rejuvenating, but lately it has been a whole new kind of difficult. As soon as I lie down my body becomes really itchy, I become insanely fidgety and fall into this weird micro-sleeps that I jolt out of violently a few mere minutes later. It’s all okay and it doesn’t bother me that sleep seems a thing of the distant past, but it is definitely taking its toll on me during the many hours of daylight.
Having never done this whole ‘being pregnant’ thing before, maternity leave has also thrown me a bit of a curveball (as I kind of predicted it would). Every morning feels weird. I feel weird. I feel lost. I feel like I am just waiting which, when I mentioned this to Mum she answered with, “Well, you are.” Our son, as I have told you all, is fully engaged and he is RIGHT THERE, he is so very close to being born and yet there is absolutely nothing that I can do to make it happen any faster. I am at the stage where I am just waiting and my next challenge is to make peace with that. Being someone who always likes to be busy and pull my weight and contribute, I have really been struggling with how I should be feeling. Physically, this has been the most exciting period of the pregnancy yet but mentally, I am still finding my feet.
Not only that, but the hormones that are shooting all throughout my body are just so exhausting! I am so connected to my son and so desperate to meet him that my sheer WANT and DESIRE to hold him in my arms is literally all I think about, all day. ALL DAY. There is not a moment that passes that I don’t wish he was already here. I find myself constantly hoping for any signs of labour or contractions. I am silently (and sometimes not so silently) wishing in every moment for him to be ready to meet Pete and I. I want to smell him, and feel him in my arms, and kiss every inch of his beautiful little body, and change his nappy, and tell him how wanted and how loved he is. I have never experienced a want as great or as insatiable as this. Through my tears last night I blubbered to Pete, “I just love him so much.” I love him so much already that I have no idea what to do with it all, the love has nowhere to go except out of my eyeballs.
I am trying everything I can to distract myself from the thoughts and the yearning and the persistent, relentless NEED for my son. I am learning how to use royal icing, I am constantly cleaning the house, I am reading in every spare moment that I have and watching television series when I can’t be on my feet anymore. Nothing works. The ridiculous thing is that, even if I go to full term (which I still don’t think I will), his arrival is only 31 days away which is NOTHING and yet it feels like a fucking eternity (excuse my French). I know that when I go into labour, I won’t remember any of this or how I am feeling.
I don’t really have much advice or wisdom to impart today about this stage of pregnancy because I am still trying to work it all out. Maybe I will go and buy myself one of those colouring in books for adults today, or start the 1000 piece puzzle that my friend gave me, or sleep, or buy the John Ajvide Lindqvist books that I have been wanting to read so desperately. I doubt that any of these will work for an extended period of time, but they are worth a shot – right?
I definitely imagined that I would write this post far more succinctly and with more wit and structure, but the state of my brain coupled with the heat that is currently emanating from my body means that this is about as eloquent as I am going to get.