So – today marks the first day of feeling very, very okay! Better than okay, actually! I am officially eight weeks pregnant today. Bub is the size of a raspberry and weighs about the same as your average jellybean (fun fact, the family have all decided that […]
Month: June 2018
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a due date. Pete and I expect the arrival of our tiny human on February 8, 2019. Because really, both of our families didn’t have quite enough birthdays in February already.
I am born on the 11th of February, as is Pete’s brother. My brother is born on the 15th. My mum is born on the 22nd. Man’s mum is born on the 27th. As well as cousins and uncles and friends of mine whose birthdays are also scattered through the month.
The scan went amazingly if you take away the desperate pain I was in from having a full bladder and having the ultrasound wand device thing pressing deep into my stomach/bladder/uterus/soul. We were told that our little bub has a very strong heartbeat, is a great size already and is exceedingly happy and healthy. She zoomed in on bub (who is not much except a brain and bum – and really, that is pretty much all I am too) and we were able to see its heartbeat. And then we heard it. It was all kinds of overwhelming and wonderful and life-changing and amazing. Knowing that that whirring little heart is pumping inside of me is a feeling that I find it hard to put words to.
Baby brain has been in full swing today – starting with me leaving my phone at home, driving part of the way to work and then returning to retrieve my phone. I also pitched some interviews naming days whose dates did not correspond correctly with the calendar. Nausea is also in full swing today (all day) which has been an unpleasant companion. There is this constant bubble in my throat just waiting, biding its time until that one smell, or one thought of the wrong food will bring it right up and out. There is also a bit of a bug going around, so there is the possibility that I am infected as I feel generally unwell today.
What has also been a very unexpected change in me is my mental state. I am not saying that I am crazy or anything like that, it is more that I am feeling a lot of doubt. Interestingly though, I am not doubting myself as a mother or anything to do with the pregnancy, it is more about Pete. While I am putting on weight and being tired and feeling generally less ‘Leah’, I find myself thinking, “I don’t deserve him,” which I know, is ridiculous. If there is any time in life to feel weird and obscure, it is when you are pregnant. It is me who is feeling uncomfortable and weird and totally foreign in my own body, so my brain is doing what it does best: latching onto anything good and wonderful in my world and creating issues where there aren’t any. It is passing the blame. Stupid brain.
What has helped though, is instead of indulging in the worry, I have approached Pete with them straight away. I sent him a message today that said, “Hey – I know this totally isn’t warranted, but can you just indulge me one last time? Everything is okay, right? Nothing has changed between us? It is just me feeling a bit off, and I won’t ask again. My head is just being weird and the moment and it is time that it stopped being weird.” And he responded lovingly and assured me that, of course, everything is okay. So I am making a conscious decision to cease all unnecessary worrying as of… NOW.
Food update today:
- Large soy hot chocolate to kick-start my day (as I am now completely off the idea of coffee)
- Rockmelon, orange and grapes
- Shitload of hot water with lemon, ginger and mint
- Ryvitas with Nutella
- Chicken Unwritten sandwich from the café – chicken, dijonnaise, coriander, avocado and lettuce on sourdough bread
- Fun-size Picnic and Boost bars
So all in all, it has been a pretty meagre day food-wise, but I’ll tell you what, it feels like I am having the worlds most full on sugar crash. I have not been eating a whole lot of sugar because I am definitely craving more salty savoury things, so I think that I am crashing.
I have caught up on all of my work, as well as researching (and completely delighting in) the most adorable baby outfits, maternity clothes – including some sweet overalls – and anything else pregnancy-related that I can think up. I have also finished a big back of chicken chips, so it is safe to say that my day has also been productive.
I can say that now – however the day did not start off well, not at all. And, baby brain is to blame. Much like last night when I forgot to indicate before merging into a right-hand lane, baby brain resulted in the unfortunate sending of an email this morning to the absolutely wrong person. I came across an article by an author my team and I have been light-heartedly making fun of, so I wrote an exceedingly witty email which ended with me making specific note to how smarmy this author is and entered the recipients of the email.
Wanting to send it to a colleague of mine that sits opposite me, I accidentally sent it to another woman of the same name who happens to be an editor and journalist for one of our national papers. I did not realise I had done so – instead, I sat there in my chair waiting for the laughter to echo from my colleagues’ desks. No laughter was heard. My higher-up stood up and told me what I had done. Pandemonium ensued as we frantically researched how to recall an email.
To cut a long and rather squeamish story short, the editor responded to the follow up apology email I sent and told me not to worry, that she had deleted it, and that she had not opened it. And that, ladies and gentleman, is baby brain.
Now, onto baby stomach. I have not stopped eating today. I mean that. I have not stopped snacking and grazing ever since I woke up. I sat down for lunch about forty-five minutes ago – a huge salad with chicken, olives, tomato, lettuce and broccoli. I am happy to announce that I have discovered a whole new bodily function, getting hungry starving while you eat. I devoured the salad, every last morsel of it, and now I am sitting at my desk completely and utterly ravenous. It really is as if I haven’t eaten all day. And I am out of snacks as, as I said earlier, I have been grazing happily all day.
All I can think about is the brownie that I am desperately trying to save for another hour as I know I will be hungry then too. As well as the jacket potato I am going to make tonight. But even more than that, I am thinking about tomorrow’s lunch, and dinner, and when the next time I am going to have steak is (probably Monday for those of you who are invested in this cause). I am daydreaming about a big bowl of thick, meaty, cheesy nachos, as well as peanut butter and cheese on toast. I am thinking about baked beans and a rich pasta sauce with tomatoes and all the bacon I can fit into one fry pan. I knew that I would be hungry when pregnant, but nothing prepared me for how deeply food would consume me from daybreak to nightfall. Also, the idea of brie cheese and quince paste is almost too much for me to handle right now I want it so bad (side note, I have no qualms eating whatever my body – and baby – tells me it wants. If it wants soft cheese then by god it will get all the soft cheese).
It really has amazed me how controlled I have been from my want of food, and at the same time, my complete aversion to it. There were days last week where I ate next to nothing and had no energy to even lift myself off the lounge. Over the weekend, I ate two apples and some crackers with cheese. Compare that to today where I feel like a burgerhotchipshotdogpotatofrozenyoghurtpastachicken, I am learning that each and every day is a new food adventure.
Pete took me ‘craving shopping’ which he lovingly described as, “a shopping trip where we are going to buy every single thing that you think you may crave at one point or another.” And, bless him, he has had all the same symptoms as me; Pete has been unexpectedly and horrifically sleepy, has had food cravings for the past fortnight, and has had dad-brain (as we call it). And so, a few nights ago we went to our local supermarket and walked up and down the aisles flinging things into the trolley that we both thought we may want at one stage or another. It was a good haul! Notable purchases include: light and tangy thins chips, mi goreng noodles, a kilo of grapes, both chocolate and cookies and cream ice cream and vanilla custard.
Mid-blog update? I now feel like a Grill’d burger and chocolate ice cream with hundreds and thousands on top.
To end this very hungry Thursday post, I would like to share with you what happened when I arrived home last night. Now, as many of you may know – or have gathered by now – I have been incredibly tired (as every other pregnant woman before me has been). On my way home from work, Pete messaged me and asked me if I was almost home, which he never does. I wondered why he had asked me, but didn’t give it much thought as I pulled up in front of the apartment pretty much as soon as he sent it. On my way up the stairs, Man was coming down. He said to me, cardboard boxes and plastic bottles in-hand, “I am just taking the recycling out, but the door is unlocked.” I opened the door to the apartment and was met with the entire space lit only by my several candles that I have dotted around the place. The entire unit was spotless. The floors had been vacuumed to near new condition, the dining table was clear, new books that had been discarded randomly throughout the place had been added to my neatly organised piles against the walls. The bathroom was spotless, as was the kitchen, with both floors having been washed. My washing was done, the bedroom was spotless with all of my shoes lined up beneath my bed and the blankets pulled back invitingly.
I burst into tears, obviously.
Pete came back into the apartment and simply said, “Now, on Saturday morning all you have to do is stay in bed and read.”
I cannot put into words what that huge gesture meant to me. The fact that he did all of that for me, and knew how much I love living by candlelight, and picturing him piling my books with the others, it is absolutely everything. Not only is it incredibly sweet and amazing, but it also flooded my tired bones with relief. Pete knew how much I have been struggling to keep afloat of the domestic chores, and he spared me a whole days’ worth of cleaning. Truly, I couldn’t believe it. STILL CAN’T.
I always knew that growing a human was going to be exhausting and throw curveballs, but what I didn’t know is how much I can handle with Pete by my side.
Pete, I love you.