I have figured out yet another little not-so-fun thing about pregnancy: once is hits 7pm, every single niggling negative thought that I could possibly have will fill my brain entirely. I have aired the same concerns and anxieties and worries and stresses and triggers with Pete for the entirety of my pregnancy. Every night it is the same thing! I am either worrying about money, or the logistics of the weekend, or that I am relying on him to heavily, or I am worried that he is over-exerting himself (like, he is a grown-ass man, Leah, he knows what he is doing). And what’s more? I can’t seem to shut the thoughts off. At all.
The only thing that relieves the stress is word vomiting the ridiculousness of it all to him, normally in a series of highly emotional text messages. These messages are then followed by an apologetic one, apologising for all the other ones before because, having read them back to myself, I realise how completely stupid they all sound. This has been the pattern for the last few months and quite frankly, I am so bored of it.
As creepy as I find this gif, it is everything I want to be while pregnant:
I was doing a bit of writing this morning to clear my head when I realised I only feel this way at night. During the day I am a (relatively) normal (mostly) functioning pregnant woman. I am doing well at work, I am eating well, and I am writing a lot. As soon as the sun dips beyond the horizon though? Nup. She-devil. This morning, my thoughts were cohesive and firm and I felt the conviction in my words. There really is nothing
that I need to be worrying about. Sure, Pete and I have a huge couple of months coming up that include moving house, he going away, appointments and ultrasounds, but he and I have gotten through much harder times than that. Why, in my night time moments of stress and anxiety can I not find that very same conviction and assuredness that everything is going to be okay? Is it purely because I am so fatigued from the day that I don’t have the energy to convince myself of anything other than what is going on in my head?
I cannot stress how grateful I am for Pete and how patient and understanding he has been. I can see my crazy, I can see it permeating my words and my person, but there is nothing I have felt able to do about it. At our last appointment, my medical history was picked at with a fine tooth comb and as a part of that, I had to answer a lot of questions about both my physical and mental health. One of the questions was, “Do you find yourself blaming yourself for things that you have no control over or have nothing to do with you?”
All the time! That’s all I do! Literally, 90% of my day is spent eating and the remaining 10% I fill with finding things to blame myself for that have zero to do with me. It’s frustrating and exhausting and it needs to not be a thing in my life any more.
As I was writing this morning, I decided that I need to find ways to perk myself back up and drag myself away from that dark place I go of a night. Easy in theory, almost impossible in reality. I need to find a way to get through to myself that everything is fine, there is nothing I need to stress about and all of this emotional turbulence is not great for Bubba (and probably has a lot to do with my shitty sleeping).
Bubba is happy and craving chicken burgers as opposed to smoked salmon last week (which I cannot even bear to think about now).
That’s about all I have roaming in my head today.
(Also, the wait until the 19-week scan where we find out the gender is officially the longest wait, ever.)